were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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