Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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