Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
