like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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