Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
