as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
