I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
