Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
