margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
