So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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