There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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