the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
