Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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