Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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