so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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