the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
