The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
