my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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