its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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