Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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