shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
