A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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