We're like a lot better than the average bears
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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