life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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