Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
