Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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