I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
