How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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