Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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