it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My feet surprised me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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