you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
