so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My vagina just clenched in fear
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