I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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