i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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