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just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
