nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize