Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
