and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
