There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
