Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
