I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
His nipple licking is glorious
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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