I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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