I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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