I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
