He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
