We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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