I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
