I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
