i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
