He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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