I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
