Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
