i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Two words: nipple clamps
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