you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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