Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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