i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
